You Can't Always Have What You Want
by suncityblues
Summary: AU- Izaya is a university student struggling to make ends meet for himself and his boyfriend, Shizuo; so he prostitutes himself in order to pay for living expenses. Shizaya.
1. Love Me Two Times

**Title**: You Can't Always Have What You Want  
><strong>Characters<strong>: Izaya ; mentions of Shizuo  
><strong>Word Count<strong>: ~1400  
><strong>Rating<strong>: sort of work-safe, nothing graphic anyway... at least in this chapter

**Summary**:  
>I'm de-anoning from the kink meme. Yaaay.<br>The prompt is:  
>Izaya has the brains but no cash so in order to keep up his studies at Todai, he has to prostitute himself to clients in order to pay for living expenses.<br>Of course, he doesn't tell his boyfriend Shizuo because somethings are better left unknown.  
>Whether Shizuo finds out or not is up to the author but I want a frustrated Izaya who hates doing this, crying in anger, being depressed, and miserable but having no choice but to do it.<br>-"-

So as you can see this is AU and still a work in progress.

Anyway hope you enjoy!

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><p>It's getting harder and harder everyday.<p>

To keep himself together. To keep his life together.

Everything keeps getting muddled and hard to distinguish whenever he starts to think about it, until all he wants to do is sit somewhere and hide until it's over, until everything is over, like when he was a small child during a thunder storm.  
>And it gets to the point where sometimes he wonders if he's just having one long, drawn-out panic attack instead of a normal existence, like all the time there is something holding his heart down, making it too heavy to do much else besides hurt.<p>

But the truth is, for Orihara Izaya, his life is perfect.  
>Really, really perfect.<p>

He never in a million years could have imagined he would turn out this way. And he knows he has done nothing to deserve it, nothing to deserve to be in the school of his dreams, with the man of his dreams, in the city of his dreams. Doing what he wants, with who he wants, where he wants.

Most people would kill for a life that.  
>And Izaya would kill before he gave it up.<p>

So he knows he has to make some sacrifices.  
>You can't always have what you want without giving something up first; someone told him that once.<p>

And this is what he tells himself now in front of the stained mirror in the shitty love hotel:  
>"You can't always have what you want without giving something up first." It becomes his mantra, his distraction.<p>

He watches distantly as his lips form the sentence in the mirror but no sound comes out.

His first tuition payment for the semester is due in a week. For Todai.  
>It's the most prestigious university in all of Japan, and here he is, just another half naked hooker in a hotel room. He wants to laugh, he really does, but the only sound that comes out is this small choking noise. Then he forces himself to smile just to see if he can but all it does is hurt his cheeks.<p>

It's one in the morning and his phone is vibrating in his pocket next to a wad of cash.

There are hickeys and scrapes on his chest and a fat old man sleeping in the next room.

You can't always have what you want without giving something up first.  
>For him, it was an easy choice.<p>

-"-

Izaya knows who is calling him.  
>He always knows because it's always the same person.<p>

Shizuo, Shizuo, Shizuo, Shizuo.  
>The man he somehow finds himself in love with.<p>

Feelings of love aside, he debates not answering the call at all, and making up some half-hearted excuse about how his phone ran out of battery or how he was too busy studying to notice the vibration.

This is what Shizuo thinks he's doing, of course, meeting friends or in the school library to study or do projects.

Izaya adds teeth to his smile and he looks almost feral. He's still standing there, watching himself in the mirror, almost as though the reflection is a different person. And he supposes, maybe it is. Or maybe he just wishes it was. Still his phone is insistent and distracting and the longer it goes on the more Izaya's resolve to ignore it crumbles. Just before the last ring, he holds it up to his ear.

"Shizu-chan, I didn't expect you to be up this late~" he purrs into the phone with practiced joviality.

Shizuo lets out a low growl as a reply, not being a man of many words even at the best of times, and Izaya knows what's coming, "You said you'd be home at ten, you louse." Izaya's expression pouts dramatically back at him.

"Well things got carried away here; you know how much work I have..." he's trying the innocent studious boyfriend tactic but both of them know it's been overplayed weeks ago.

Luckily for Izaya though, Shizuo seems tired of fighting about it or maybe just tired in general and mumbles something about hurrying up.

It makes Izaya laugh for real this time before he even notices it.  
>"I was leaving right now, actually, and hey, don't pass out before I get home, I have a surprise for you."<p>

Shizuo just huffs in response. Izaya takes it as agreement.

-"-

The surprise is a silver cigarette case Izaya had seen Shizuo admire in a shop window a few weeks before. It's not that today is an occasion or even a particularly good time to be giving presents, it's just that it keeps getting harder for Izaya to look Shizuo in the eyes anymore.

So he makes up for it as best he can.  
>Gifts, morning sex, packing lunch, the whole deal, just to feel like he's not who he is: a nerdy prostitute with no time for the boyfriend he was cheating on and cheating for.<p>

But, when this all began he told himself it wasn't cheating.  
>He had to tell himself that.<p>

Sure, it's sex for money, but it's just sex. Nothing more. Nothing important. And Izaya has his rules. He never stays the night even though he'd get payed more if he did; he never goes with good looking, or even moderately handsome men. He doesn't listen to the trick's conversation, or anything about their lives -tells them upfront that he's not into the whole talking thing. He doesn't want to know what makes them sad or happy or about their families, because then he would have to see them. Really see them. But to him they aren't human, can't be human, they are rag-dolls with easy money and he prefers it that way.

Because Izaya loves people, he really does, but those men, the ones who drive their family minivan to pick up a gay garçon de joie, to pick him up, he cannot like.

And so he thinks about their fat stomachs and sweaty balding heads, he thinks about their big strange hands on him, intimately so, crawling up the inside of his thigh, feels the memory of them fucking him, mumbling things he supposes they assume are sexy and he just wants to throw up. Or cry or scream or just start running and keep running until he can't even see the city anymore, until everything is just trees and mountains and there's nothing in his lungs but fresh air.

But then he wouldn't be with Shizuo.  
>And really, it all comes back to him.<br>Shizuo.  
>He really does love that man.<p>

In a lot of ways Shizuo is his anchor. The thing that keeps him sane and safe. The thing that makes him happy.

The idea of losing him, of him finding out, fills Izaya with the feeling that there is a wad of lead imbedded his chest, his stomach, everywhere.

And so maybe he had to take on a few more... clients, as he sometimes calls them, than normal to be able to afford the gift but the idea of making Shizuo happy makes him happy, makes him feel like someone who isn't a complete and utter fuck up, and that, he thinks, might just be worth it.

-"-

After the phone call Izaya collects himself quickly, dabbing some concealer he stole from one of his sisters a few weeks ago on the hickeys, old and new. It doesn't do all that much to cover them up, but it's better than nothing, he supposes.

In the lobby of the hotel there is another hooker, some blond kid Izaya has seen around a few times before, talking to a man in a white jacket. They are both watching him intently as he passes by, but Izaya doesn't have the time or the patience to feel unnerved about it.

He has other things to concern himself with and the present's weight is acting as a constant reminder of where he needs to be. His anchor for his anchor.

So with every door that closes behind him, with every step he takes away from that hotel, he changes. He becomes less and less Izaya the hooker and more Izaya the person.

Or so he hopes.

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><p>AN:  
>OH WOW IT HAS BEEN AGES SINCE I'VE POSTED ANYTHING<br>Sorry, but I've been in school (and I'm doing summer semester too so it's really draining me) but I really wanted to work on something since I feel sort of like I'm neglecting you guys. It's actually been something like 5 months since my last journal post. ;n;

Also I just want you guys to know that I'm working on a playlist to go with this fic because I can, mainly.

Reviews or feedback or corrections or whatever are totally loved by the way~ :*


	2. The Spy

**Chapter Title**: The Spy  
><strong>Characters<strong>: IzayaxShizuo  
><strong>Word Count<strong>: ~1500  
><strong>Rating<strong>: not work safe-ish  
><strong>Summary<strong>:  
>So again, this is my fill from the kink meme.<p>

The prompt is: Izaya has the brains but no cash so in order to keep up his studies at Todai, he has to prostitute himself to clients in order to pay for living expenses.

Of course, he doesn't tell his boyfriend Shizuo because somethings are better left unknown.

Whether Shizuo finds out or not is up to the author but I want a frustrated Izaya who hates doing this, crying in anger, being depressed, and miserable but having no choice but to do it.

So yeah, AU, established relationship, prostitution, general angst.

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><p>When he gets home roughly twenty minutes later, the first thing he hears is the television. And the thing he sees is Shizuo asleep on the couch in front of it with a newspaper on his lap and a still-burning cigarette in his hand.<p>

The scene is oddly heartening to Izaya.

There's something strange and disarming about the blond man when he's asleep that Izaya can't quite pinpoint but it makes him smile as he removes the cigarette from the other's grasp and snubs it out in one of the numerous ashtrays littered around the apartment.

Then, annoyed by how Shizuo remained largely unperturbed by the action or the arrival of his boyfriend, tactlessly pinches the blond man's cheek, making him jolt awake.

"Oi Flea! What the fuck?" are the first words out of his mouth but Izaya just smiles serenely as though completely at one with the universe.

"Maa, Shizu-chan, I told you not to pass out on me before I got home" is the swift reply, "that counts as fair warning, as far as I'm concerned..."

Shizuo huffs, swipes Izaya's hand away, and looks like he's planning on drifting back off to sleep.

"...anyway, I also said I got you something" Izaya adds in a loud voice to keep Shizuo awake while rummaging in his bag for the gift.

But Shizuo beats him to the chase, saying, "I don't want it. Whatever it is, return it."

Izaya stops dead for a moment.  
>A million things flash through his mind but they are all variations of the same thing:<br>does he know, does he know, does he know?

But Shizuo saves him without even knowing it.

"Jeeze, don't give me that look... Izaya..." Shizuo slaps a hand on his head and Izaya is immediately relieved because the worst is not coming yet, though he had no idea how he must of looked, "we don't have the kind of money for you to just be buying things whenever you want... And don't give me that shit about getting money from your parents, they'd want you to buy books and food before gifts for the guy who ruined your life."

At this Izaya can feel himself melting as he tends to do at times like this, when Shizuo is so protective of him though neither would ever admit it. He can feel his bag slipping to the ground and himself moving towards the blond man, though he doesn't actually will himself to do so.

"Shizuo..." his mouth is saying, even though his mind is still fluttering and lost. And happy.

But of course, Shizuo doesn't notice the change in mood and just continues with his speech.

"You know how they are... and I know they love you and everything but they're always threatening to cut you off; honestly I'm surprised they haven't already" at this Izaya feels a pang of guilt - they had cut him off nearly a year earlier once they found out their only son was living with another man and not in the room-mate sense, "and you know I lost my job and you have school, and, and...

"...What I'm trying to say is that you don't have to do this."

Shizuo's cheeks are red and he looks up to see Izaya standing right in front of him now.

"Everything is going to be okay so you can start acting normal again. It'll be okay."

And then Izaya finds his hands moving the newspaper off Shizuo's lap, and himself sitting there instead, facing the man. He finds his arms winding around a strong neck and a pair of firm hands on the small of his back.

And that's when his consciousness returns.

"Tell me that again" he breaths into Shizuo's neck before kissing it, lightly.

Shizuo's grip tightens around his waist slightly but he does what is asked.  
>Whispers, "It'll be okay. Everything is going to be okay."<p>

And the night air gets a little bit warmer as Izaya works his lips upwards from Shizuo's neck to his mouth, first kissing a corner, then the center, then again, and again, and again until Shizuo's hands start working up his shirt, under the fabric of his pants.

In between the kisses Shizuo murmurs, "are you not wearing any underwear?"  
>The intention is clearly sexual but it catches Izaya off guard. He didn't even realize he had left them behind at the hotel until that moment.<p>

And it brings it all back. He had almost forgotten about what he does, what he has to do, but he tries to keep it together with a hasty lie.

"Mmm, you could say I had something in mind" he coos, but it's an act. A disguise for how he is really feeling: uncomfortable and somehow violated.

Shizuo doesn't pick up on it though, and Izaya assumes it's a mixture of him getting better at pretending and Shizuo being too interested in fucking him to be too observant.

"But you have class tomorrow and it's late..." Shizuo is saying, though his hands say firm on Izaya's waist.

"Then we'll just have to make it quick" is Izaya's immediate reply, a smirk widening on his lips as his hands fall to the button of Shizuo's pants.

He can feel how hard Shizuo is already, and Izaya can't really blame him. It's been weeks since they last had sex, as Izaya is usually too tired or too busy and Shizuo has been more than tolerant of the dry spell.

So Izaya figures he can take one for the team, since it's the least he can do.  
>But just as his fingers start to wiggle around in the fabric of Shizuo's pants a large hand stops him.<p>

Izaya pouts like a child in the blue glow of the television but the look he gets from his boyfriend in response is puzzling, to say the least.

"First you have to promise me you'll return the gift."

Izaya's eyes darken a bit and he contemplates making up some excuse, but his mouth gets there first and the words that come out of it are more whiney than he would have liked, "you haven't even seen it yet; I'd bet you'd like it, Shizu-chan..."

Shizuo seems to be exasperated by this kind of wheedling, judging by how his grip lessens for a moment then comes back tighter.

"Return it, or I will, flea, we need that money for food; you know we do."

The dark haired man sighs and makes a non-committal hand gesture, says, "fine, fine, have it your way" though he has no intention of actually returning it, at least this way they can drop the subject for a while.

And though it seems like Shizuo can see right through him, the other man doesn't say anything, just grumbles a bit, and lets his hands ease up completely this time.

This is what Izaya has been waiting for.

Shizuo is no good in verbal arguments and he usually ends them after he says what he wants to say; Izaya knows he only has to wait out any issue until Shizuo gives up or breaks something and then he's won. Or at least dodged a bullet for the time being.

-"-

Back in reality though, a toothy grin makes its way to Izaya's face. Using the light from the television to guide him, he removes himself from his partner completely and slides down to the floor on his knees in a way that not even the blond man would be dense enough to misunderstand. Takes the zipper of Shizuo's pants between his teeth and slowly, slowly, drags it downwards. The length of the zipper is only seven or eight centimeters long but to them it lasts for miles and miles and not long enough.

Shizuo lets out a sharp breath and then gets up off the couch enough to pull down his pants while Izaya goes for the elastic of his boxers.

And it happens like this that only a little bit later Izaya's mouth is hot and wet and moving up and down and up and down, faster and faster in just the right way. Practice makes perfect, after all. Shizuo has his back arched and his hands making tangles in black hair moaning some nothingness noise into the air until he finds it in himself to push Izaya away.

Izaya comes up giggling a bit, until he's standing between Shizuo's legs; bent over to see him face-to-face, before asking with a very intentional lick of the lips, "you sure you can make it through any more?"

Shizuo smirks a bit, though they both know he doesn't like to be teased, especially during sex, and replies with no hesitation, "that a challenge, flea?"

Then he shifts in position, pulling Izaya lightly by the arm until the slighter man is kneeling in the couch cushions between Shizuo's legs, noses brushing and then lips and then tongues until Shizuo's hands start climbing up Izaya's sides, attempting to coax his shirt off when it all falls apart.

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><p>Just so you know, I'm naming each individual chapter after Doors songs for no actual reason, except that I just really like the Doors.<br>But anyway whoo hoo it's chapter two  
>Also I hear the dub of Durarara is supposed to premiere in America today? That's pretty exciting I think<p> 


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